Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
