If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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