i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
