dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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