I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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