here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
