Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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