I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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