I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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