omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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