On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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