I got chris browned last night
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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