after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
