i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i drank out of a bidet.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
