Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
