Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
