Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
