he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
