i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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