When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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