hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
