Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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