Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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