Please, let me fuck your mom
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm like, not good at living.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
