Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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