dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
