I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
