Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
