My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
