And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
