This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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