I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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