I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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