i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize