I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
