So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
