The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
