There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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