Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
