Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
