I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
