dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize