So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
