I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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