wanna go halves on a baby?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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