someone threw a dead crab at me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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