He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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