Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
