Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
