woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize