Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
