Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
