I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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