What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ladies don't puke and tell
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
