If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why are your pants in the freezer?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
