my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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