i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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