honey bunches of taint.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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