There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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