remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
