why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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