so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
