Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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